Are you frustrated? Here's why. And, what to do about it.

Frustration comes from two places.

Things you control and things you don't control. You become frustrated because the results you are getting are below what you expect.

It's that simple and it's that hard.

You may become frustrated with yourself, your spouse, your kids, your parents, your coworkers. No matter what the source of the frustration is, it is because you are expecting more than you are getting.

Do you want to immediately remove that feeling? Do you want to not feel frustrated? Then here is what you need to do.

Lower your expectations.

As soon as you lower your expectations, you remove the feeling of frustration. Almost as soon as you lower your expectations, you become more aligned with reality. You become more open to possibility.

Try it.

When you become frustrated, you create a negative energy that basically pushes away solutions. If you pursue frustration, it will create turmoil for yourself most of all.  And, your negative vibe will affect those around you.

Let it go....

Lower your expectations. Once you do this, you relax. You remove the tension, you reduce the negative energy that brings you and everyone involved further down and away from the solution.

As soon as you relax, you can reconnect with your purpose and find new ways to achieve what you are going for. The ideas will come to you. But, only when you relax.

In addition to lowering your expectations, it helps to realize that frustration means the goal you're not getting to can still be realized. Once you reach a point where the goal is not achievable you move from frustration to disappointment. So, feeling frustrated can serve as an action signal to avoid disappointment. Welcome it.

Once you relax, consider the situation. First, is it something that you control? If you are frustrated and it is something that you control, your probably frustrated with yourself. Your frustrated that you have not met your own expectations.

You didn't lose the weight, get to the gym, make the sale, keep your temper or whatever. You will need to make sure you didn't set your expectation to high. Consider a less lofty goal. Of course, if you just plain didn't try hard enough. You deserve to feel frustrated.

Try again.

If you are frustrated and it is something you don't control. You may need to not only lower your expectations. You may need to change them altogether. To understand what you control or don't control see The #1 Way To Improve The World.

If you are frustrated and it is something you can't control like the weather, the economy or the traffic your stuck in, you need to change your expectations and perhaps even prepare for disappointment. But, if it is something you can't control but have some influence over then there is something you can do.

Change your approach. 

Frustration with people often falls into this category. You cannot control other people but you can influence them. If they are not meeting your expectations it is because of the approach your using. If you change your approach, you will change your results.

Can't get your kids to pick up all their toys? Pleading and yelling not working for you? Try this. Tell them they only have to pick up the toys they want to keep and you'll take care of the rest.

Sometimes frustration can come from things and not people. Computers come to mind here. Again, change your approach. Instead of trying to force the situation, try to understand it. With things, it often comes down to understanding why something is not working. And, once you learn why something is not working, you change your approach to make it work.

Change your approach and you change your outcome.

You may even meet your expectations. 

And, frustration will fade away.

Today's Kids Need Yesterday's Cures

Today's kids face challenges much different than previous generations. There is no doubt they are growing up in a much more complicated and pressured world than we ever did.

The pressures of social media, and media in general, high levels of communication with cell phones, laptops and tablets put the people they know, and don't know, at their fingertips.


It's a scary world at times. We used to let our kids play outside until it got dark not even knowing where they were. Now we panic when they get out of our sight.

And, to be fair, they also have greater opportunities.

Social media presents kids with opportunities to market themselves and their accomplishments to colleges and future employers. They can stay in touch with distant relatives. The internet and technology make researching and writing a paper for school easier than it has ever been.

But, even with all this pressure, and opportunity, we should not feel sorry for them. But many of us do. Every generation has its challenges. In the fifties, there was the Cold War and the threat of nuclear annihilation. The sixties had race riots.  And, in the seventies we had out of control inflation and Jimmy Carter.

Today we have a tendency to want to shelter our children from the realities of society.  There is certainly some ugliness out there but there are positives too.  Especially when you look for them.

We even want to protect them from their own feelings. The feelings of injustice, unfairness and losing. This kind of protection does not help children grow to realize their greatest potential especially in today's very competitive environment.

Too often parents are paying more attention to their children than they do to each other weakening the marriage in the process. The children have become the focus where we place their needs above all others. Where is this leading us?

Children today end up growing later because they are not taught the fundamentals they need to care for themselves and cope with their own feelings. They end up leaving the home later in life than previous generations. Some kids, called boomerang children, end up returning home unable to the handle basic responsibilities necessary to begin an independent life.

Most parents are good people that love their children and want what is best for them. But, have we gotten confused in this society of convenience and instant gratification as to what is really best for our children? 

When you look around you see too many instances of institutionalized fairness as in participation trophies. Go to any store or restaurant and you see children talking to their parents in tones and language that would have earned you or I the reprimanding side of your father's hand. What are we doing?

I have been to friends' homes for dinner and watched the parents clear table, do the dishes and take out the trash while the kids jumped onto the latest version of Madden Football. And, the schedules we keep for kids today with one activity after another makes me think they need Personal Assistants. And, they have them in their parents. Where is all this leading to?

I interview many young people for jobs.  Fresh out of college, the jobs they seek are often the first ones in their young careers. Some of these recent grads ask questions around promotions, expense accounts and corner offices before they have even been offered a position. They never make the second round of interviews. And, I'm sure they sulk away thinking how unfair my company was.

This is what today's youth looks like.  Entitled, self-centered, and more concerned with the reward they think they deserve rather than the contribution they need to make. But, it is not their fault.

We raise kids differently these days. We lean towards comforting and coddling them more than we should. We are not doing them, nor ourselves, any favors. We need a return to some of the classic values that were the hallmark of previous generations.

Here are five of those values:

1. Family Time - this starts at the dinner table. This daily meeting is a hallmark tradition of the family unit since the dawn of time. In the earliest time of human existence, when food was scarce, the family would gather around the harvest or the kill to eat. Of course, this has evolved as food sources have become more abundant. But, the premise is the same. We gathered daily to be together, eat and bond. And, it doesn't end there.

Family time spent together playing games, watching movies, doing chores would all contribute to the building of a bond that would strengthen the family and establish its value systems. It is time well spent.


2. Allow Failure - as parents we need to stop shielding our children from the natural consequences of competition and life. It is unfair of us to prepare them for life this way. Life is not that way.

We should be preparing our children with the tools to be able to deal with the inevitable times when they will fail. For more on that see "Should You Let Your Kids Fail."

3. Good Manners - nothing says more about the kids we meet than the manners they keep. Yes Sir, Yes Ma'am, Please, Thank You, Excuse Me, etc. These go a long way when our kids meet other parents.  But, they go an even longer way when they use them with their own parents.

The manners kids use outside of the home start inside the home with their siblings and parents. If you insist on the best manners at home, you won't have to worry about them using them outside the home.

And, tone of voice counts. Nothing says more about a kid's personal self control and respect for his parents than when he yells at them in public. And, it says even more about the parents.


4. Chores - kids who end up becoming responsible, productive and contributing members of society weren't born that way. They learned those basic values by taking care of some simple responsibilities at home from a very young age. 

Making the bed is less about the bed and more about child. The good habits, discipline and sense of pride that grow in a child from this simple responsibility spill over into other areas of their lives and sets the stage for a productive adult life.


5. Playtime - remember "Kick-the-Can, Hide-and-Seek and Tag?" Whatever happened to these games? They involved imagination and physical activity. These days kid's dexterity is found in the speed of their thumbs on a game controller. And, forget about imagination! Every time I hear a kid say their bored I wonder what planet they woke up on.

The job of parents is to prepare their children to be productive, contributing members of society. The principles used by parents in previous generations were more effective at reaching that objective than what parents are doing today. We need to give those values more serious consideration for today's youth. 

Not only do they need it, the parents and society need it.

I Beat My Kids

I beat my kids.  Really.  I do.  Whenever I can.

Every time we play any kind of game.  Be it a board game, card game or a game of H-O-R-S-E.  I try to beat them every time.

There are no participation trophies in our house.  Trophies are for winners who earn it.  The losers get nothing.  Second place? No trophy for you.  Wondering if losing is good for kids, then read "Should You Let Your Kids Fail?"

The lessons are winning and losing, being a good winner and a being a good loser.

Should you let your kids fail?

Raising kids is tough.  It is hard work.

When they are newborn they require a lot of attention.  But, hey, they aren't talking back yet.  Their just filling disposable underwear with shit.  And, you get to wipe their ass.

This is the good phase.

Then they start moving around.  You have to block every stairway and electrical outlet in sight.  And, if you miss one, they'll find it.


Then they start to talk.  We think this is a good thing until that start talking back.  Then we blame our partner for the attitude they must have inherited from them.

Finally, you've done enough to allow them, with crossed fingers, to move about in public.  They go to school.  This is supposed to be a place where they go to learn the basics.  We beam with pride as they go off to learn the ABC's and 1,2,3's.  Then they come home with a note from the teacher saying they shouldn't be looking under the walls of the bathroom stall while someone else is in there.  Oh, jeez!

Here is our first weird conversation.  On the inside I'm laughing but keeping a straight face as we talk about the importance of keeping your privates private and respecting other people's privacy.  But Dad, you said to have fun at school today.  It has now begun.

I have now become the reason for anything this kid does good or bad.  And, this is not good.  For me.  Or, for the kid.

Kids need to learn they are responsible for their behavior as early as possible.  Both good or bad.  It is their decision in the moment that determines the outcome.  And, of course they will make mistakes.  They will fail.

I think we should let kids fail early and often.  Failure is a great teacher.  Parents should act as guides.  We should give them a soft place to land when they fail.  And, we should help them learn from their failures.  Whatever they are.

Helicopter parents that set their kids up for success are actually setting them up for failure.  Life is tough.

When would you want your kid to learn a hard lesson?  When they live with you and can find sanctuary to process it?  Or, when they are older with a job and bills to pay.

By the way, the kids with a job and bills to pay that do fail, often end up back at home with their parents.  Back with the parents who set them up that way.  Does that sound like success?