Three Ways to Deal with Setbacks

Every now and again you’ll have one of those days.  Things don’t seem to work out and you experience setbacks.  Its human nature and quite understandable for someone to get down on days like this.  But, the quote, “Setbacks are a set up for a comeback,” really is the formula to deal with setbacks.

The quote is not specific with instruction as most quotes aren’t.  But, it is loaded with wisdom.  The quote’s answer to setbacks is to reset your mindset.  It reframes the setback so that you can look at it from a different point of view.  It takes the “end of the road” and turns it into a “bump in the road.”  It keeps you going.  But, it says even more.

Setbacks come in a variety of shapes and sizes.  Some are self-inflicted and some come from the outside world.  You skipped the workout, fell off your diet, didn’t say you were sorry, didn’t make the call, etc.  These are things that you control.  And, then there are things you don't control.

There are times when even when you’ve done your best, setbacks can come from areas you don’t control.  Your staff didn’t show up or they made a mistake, the bus is late, it poured rain on your new hair-do or whatever the world decided to do to ruin your day.

Regardless of what the setback is, there are a couple of simple ways to turn an unfortunate situation into a fortunate one.

1. Stay calm and look for the good in the situation. Yes, that can be hard to do. When you notice the coffee rolling down your rear window because you left it on the top of your car will make you want to scream. But, no matter what happens there is usually something to at least learn. And, that is always a positive.

2. Think "now what?" Thinking this way forces you to accept the situation. It has happened and there is nothing you can do about it. It also prompts you to think about what action you can take now given the new circumstances. Move on.

3. Do not beat yourself up. If you can read this your human. If your human, you're going to make mistakes. Accept it, get over it, and move on.

If you really want to take a setback and give is some meaning think this thought:

"What if life happens for us, and not to us?" Tony Robbins

The Bullsh*t of Not Having Enough Time

"I don't have enough time" is the biggest bullshit answer ever given. We all have enough time. We all have the same amount of time. Rich, poor, smart or stupid, we all get the same amount of time each day. No more, no less.

Why do some people seem to get more done in that time? Do they have some magical formula? Are they just more efficient? Are they just lucky?

The is answers are No. There is no magic or luck. People who get more done in the same amount of time do so because of two reasons.

One, they are using a Compass to plan their time and not a Clock. Read Should You Use a Clock or a Compass. The basic premise is when you use a Compass you plan your days around your priorities. You work on what's most important not what's most urgent.

Why don't some people focus on priorities?

Some priorities are uncomfortable. No one likes to do the uncomfortable things in life. But, nothing grows a person more than uncomfortable tasks. Eating right, exercising, study, managing your your personal affairs. These things all need to get done. Yet, most of them are as glamorous as watching grass grow. But, do them day in and day out and over the long term you get a lot done. And, it's the things that really matter.

The second reason some people get a lot done is that they don't manage distractions. This is probably the more important of the two reasons. Distractions come at us from every direction at all times of the day. Email, text, Facebook, Twitter, the phone, office drop-ins, are just a few. There are many more. And, all of them can wreak havoc on your productivity.

Keeping distractions to a minimum is mostly your personal discipline. You need to resist these constant temptations. The best way to do this is to plan when you will check email or Facebook or whatever. If you are not in that time zone, focus on your priorities and get something done. It is not rocket science.

The world will not end because you didn't "like" your friend's Facebook post of their cat sleeping. Like it later if your into that sort of thing. In the meantime, focus your energy on high-value activities that contribute to your purpose. This is what makes the world a better place.

One, focus on your priorities. Two, minimize the distractions.

If you do these two things, you will always have enough time.

Is That A Problem or An Opportunity?

Let's cut to quick on this one.  It's always an opportunity.

But, only if you look at it that way. 

Whether it is a problem or an opportunity is the result of your mindset. It's how you choose to look at the situation. It's what meaning you decide to give it.

If you look at it as a problem you take on a victim's mentality. Why does this always happen to me? Why do I have to deal with this? When your thinking goes there, you immediately become less resourceful and less able to deal with the situation regardless of who's fault it is.

When you look at it as a problem it becomes something you need to fix or neutralize so that it isn't a problem anymore. The screaming child, the traffic jam, the annoying coworker. This kind of thinking will lead you to only solving the problem and not seeing what you could make out of it or what good could come from it. And, there is always some good that could come from it. But, you need to look for it.

In every problem there is an opportunity. There is possibility. But, you have to look for it. You may need to pause and make yourself think about it. But, it is there.

Problems are opportunities in disguise. You need to see through that disguise and uncover it.

The thing about problems are that they often arrive as interruptions. The flow of what you're doing comes to a stop and you need to deal with a problem. It becomes an inconvenience and keeps you from doing what you're trying to do. But, if you think about it, so do opportunities.

Opportunities often show up and interrupt what we're doing. They are just welcome interruptions. A friend calls with tickets to the game, drinks at the new local hot spot. Somehow these interruptions are okay. They are okay because the opportunity is easy to see. And, we don't mind putting off what we were doing to take advantage of those opportunities. In fact, we often make sacrifices to take advantage of them.

But, when problems interrupt us that is a different story. These interruptions feel like setbacks, obstacles, things that delay us or stop us altogether. These types of problems will always exist. They are a part of life. So, why not take advantage of them.

How do you take advantage of them?

The answers lies in the questions you ask yourself when problems arise. Instead of why me? Try, why not me? How could I take advantage of this situation? What could I learn from this? How could I grow from this?

Of course this is easier said than done.  But, it can be done.

Stuck in a line at the store? Caught in traffic? Instead of getting upset and stressed out, use that time to do something constructive. You going to spend the time anyway. You're going to be late anyway. Call a relative you haven't spoken to for awhile. Read something informative on your phone. Listen to a book or podcast.

One of the best stories that I ever heard was about a Mom that got a flat tire with her three kids. They were stuck on the side of the road waiting for the service truck. So, to kill the time she asked each of her kids how they were doing in school. And, the Mom learned that one of her kids was being bullied. Do you think that flat tire meant something different after she learned that?

Sometimes things happen for a reason. Instead getting upset when problems come up, get curious to find out what you could do with the situation. In every problem there is an opportunity. But, you have to look for it.

5 Reasons You Sabotage Yourself

You don't mean to do it. Just when you think you're going go after that goal or finally doing what you've always wanted to, you do something to screw it up. You don't mean to do it. Or, do you?

The subconscious is a clever little devil that is always at work trying to keep you safe. It will play tricks on your mind, convince you of things that are not true and blind you to what you need to see. But, the subconscious is dumb.

The subconscious is primitive and driven by emotions. It lives in constant fear especially the fear of change. And, it will be in the background quietly whispering reasons you should not do something. And, as a result you stop yourself from reaching your goals.

Why are you doing this?

1. Fear of loss. What you are doing now is familiar. It is your comfort zone. It may not be good for you. You may be eating too much, smoking, drinking, spending, yelling or whatever. But, it is a comfort zone. Even if what you are doing is not good for you, you are getting some good from it. Or, you wouldn't keep doing it.

When you consciously think about it, you know it is not good and you are motivated to change. And, as you soon as you begin to make the change you will feel like you are leaving something behind. Something that feels good and safe. That is the old you in a comfortable and familiar place even if that place was not good for you. As you move away from that place you get a feeling. That feeling is the fear of loss. It is a feeling that is primal and primitive. 

And, it is wrong.

2. The illusion of self-control. This is when you think you can control yourself when you really can't. The temptation presents itself and you think, "just one." One cupcake, one drink, one cigarette. It doesn't matter what your one is, it is the number right before two. If you never have the one, you will never have the two.

Simple. 

Don't trick yourself into thinking you have self-control while justifying that you deserve just one. Demonstrate self-control by not having the one. That is true self-control.

3. Boredom. This reason is connected to another human habit. It is the shot of dopamine you feel when you get excited. When you start to break away from an old habit for a new one, you will get those shots of dopamine. But, as the new habit takes effort to continue, the dopamine hits come less often.

To keep the dopamine coming you need to make sure you add variety to the new habit. If it's a new diet you can use spices or different recipes, or different places to eat. If it's exercise you can try new exercises. Any change to vary the new routine will keep the dopamine coming and your momentum strong.

4. You don't deserve it. This is the subconscious devil that tells you are not worthy. This comes from low self-esteem. The problem is that it isn't true. Low self-esteem usually stems for some experience you've had so long ago in your life that it is now irrelevant not to mention destructive. You do deserve it!

If you get determined, work hard and achieve your goal. You do deserve it. You've earned it. Stay focused on the goal and keep moving forward.

5. Fear of the unknown. All new action brings new experience. You will do what you haven't done before. You will go where you haven't gone before. That can be scary. Or, exciting.

Re-frame these fears from scary to exciting. They take on a new meaning that allows you to move towards the newness and let go of the familiar.

The key to beating all these behaviors is a high sense of personal awareness. Be careful about acting on voices in your head or the feelings that you get. Ask if it is the subconscious trying to hold you back.

Do you Need To or Do You Want To?

Some things you need to do. Some things you want to do. Some things you need to do, but you don't want to do. And, some things you want to do, but you don't need to do.

Whether you consider any particular thing a need or a want may be a matter of opinion. But, there will be some things that are needs no matter how you feel about them. And, then there are some things that are needs depending on each particular situation.

When you want to do something and it happens to be something you need to, it is usually the best thing for you. Diet, exercise and rest immediately come to mind. And, when you need it and you want it, there is never any conflict within you. You just do it. No extra effort is necessary.

When something that you need to do is something that you don't want to do, well there is where we have a problem. 

When a want and a need do not agree then conflict arises. An internal battle develops in your mind. Sometimes this is a quick battle and other times it is drawn out. Eventually the stronger of the two, the need or the want, will win out. And, no matter what wins, the need or the want, you will experience some kind of stress.

When you do what you need to do but don't really want to do, you deal with the feelings of sacrifice or that sense that you gave in and did the right thing. Conversely, when you do what you want to do instead of what you need to do, you have a sense of guilt. You lose either way. And, not only do you lose, there is usually some future pain for the choice you made.

There is no argument that you need a good night's sleep. Sometimes you even want a good night's sleep. But, sometimes you want to stay up and watch your favorite team's game more than you want to sleep. You choose the want over the need. And, when you choose a want over a need, you will pay every time.

The thing about wants and needs is their value. Needs have a consistent value and if you don't address them, then you will pay for it. There is no recourse. But, wants are different. They seem really important at the time but later? Not so much. You do experience some kind of pain but it's not near the kind of pain you experience when you don't address a need.

Most needs are physical. Sleep, diet, exercise and personal care are all needs. Your physical being is the basis on which everything else is built. You cannot pursue intellectual passions, entrepreneurial adventures, philanthropic pursuits or materialistic riches without a physical basis that will allow you to.

Steve Jobs was making a dent in the universe until he became sick. Without physical health, you have nothing else. You cannot invent, create, teach or contribute in any way without physical health. And, if you really want big success, you just don't take care of your physical needs, you maximize them.

Other needs exist in your relationships, your career and your finances. If you keep choosing the wants over the needs you will eventually experience pain. The key is discipline. The discipline of choosing what you need to do. See What Is Discipline.

The interesting thing about needs and wants is that needs are long-term. As long as you take care of your needs, your long-term success is almost guaranteed. But when you satisfy the wants, success, in whatever, is delayed at best and completely lost at worst. Choosing wants is usually associated with immediate gratification, the I want it now attitude, and a complete lack of discipline.

The choice is clear but never easy. 

What is your choice, do you need to or do you want to?

Is It You or Them?

You is you.  Them is everyone else.  Them are your kids.  Them are your neighbors.  Them are your coworkers, your friends, and your spouse.

Them is everyone not you.

When you think about the successes and failures in your life, was it you or them?  When you think about the good times and the bad times, was it you or them?

Understanding the prospective of "you or them" is critical to your success, your failure and ultimately your happiness.  There is one particular concept in regards to the "you or them" question that once understood it, makes all your future "you or them" questions easy to answer.

Here it is...

Everything in your life is your fault.  No matter what.  It is your fault. Good or bad.  By what you did or did not do.

Of course there are situations that happen to you.  Bad weather, bad traffic, bad people and the like.  These are all things that you do not control. These are not your fault.  But, you have to deal with them and how you deal with them is your fault.  No excuses.

If wake up and find a foot of snow outside and you grumble about the clean up and the kids not going to school.  You set yourself up to be unhappy.  You focus on all the things that are wrong with the situation.  All the loss.  All the inconvenience.  That is your choice. And, that choice is in your control.  That choice is your fault.

The way you ended up feeling about that situation is your fault.  So if you are unhappy and miserable you only have to look in the mirror to find the guilty party.

If you have become frustrated with the lack of advancement in your profession or your earnings, ask what keeps getting in the way? The answer is you.  It is not your boss, your customers, or the economy.  It is you.

Somewhere there is someone in your profession that is succeeding at high level.  That someone may even have the same boss, customers and economy as you. What's the difference?

You are the difference.

It's not them. It's you.  They are doing something different than you. Their success is their fault.  Their choices are their fault. Their attitude and approach to life is their fault.  It is their fault just like your attitude and your approach is your fault.  They are just getting different results than you.  Maybe it's their attitude? Or, is it yours?

That same person, who is succeeding in your profession, also gets up and sees that same foot of snow that you did.  They see the snow and instead of grumbling about it, they think, I'm going to get a different workout today.  And, I'll get to play with the kids!  

Same situation.  Different attitude, different choices.  Better results.

Make better choices, get better results.  

It's up to you.  It always has been.

What is Discipline?

This is one of the most misunderstood personal characteristics of human behavior. And, one of the most admired.

It can single-highhandedly be the very reason someone succeeds in spite of great challenges and limited resources. And, it is not limited to just success with money. Being disciplined can assist and accelerate growth in any area of life. Discipline will make you healthier, wealthier, communicate better, be more focused, improve your relationships and avoid problems.

Discipline helps in every area of life. Discipline helps with your personal life, your career, your extended relationships and in social settings.

There is virtually no limit to what this single personal behavior can do for a person. And, the best part is that it is not something a person is born with. It is a skill that can be learned and developed. And, anyone can learn it. Anyone can apply it.  Anyone can use it to make their life better.

If they choose to...

Discipline is a choice. 

It is a choice between doing what you want to do and doing what you need to do. This distinction is an important one. There are things people want to do that at one time they needed to. And, by using discipline the need to do became a want to do.

Discipline helped them get started. And, occasionally they will use discipline to keep themselves going. But, the disciplined repetition turned it into a habit making ongoing discipline unnecessary.

Discipline is an attitude.

It is an attitude of always doing what the right thing no matter how hard it is. It's having the uncomfortable conversation you need to have with a friend, a coworker or a spouse but don't want to have. It's eating the salad instead of the ice cream. It's going to the gym instead of hitting the snooze button.

Discipline is a mindset.

It is an unyielding way of thinking. It is seeing what needs to be done and doing it no matter how uncomfortable or inconvenient it may be. It is the engagement of a single-minded purpose that refuses to lose.

Discipline is consistency.

It is doing the the right thing over and over again no matter how boring or monotonous it may seem. It is understanding that Little Things Do Matter. And, doing the little things day in and day out achieves big things over time.

Discipline is a commitment.

It is a decision to do a certain thing and stick with it until is is done. It is realizing that Done Is Better Perfect and all results count in getting to the goal. It is never giving up.

Discipline is a challenge.

It is the reason you feel tired after pushing where others would have quit. It is the reason you feel stretched. It is the reason you have grown to become someone you could have never even imagined becoming.  But, so glad you did.

Discipline is the difference.

It is the difference between you and the non-achiever. It is the reason you succeed and others fail. It is the reason you have a fulfilled life and others taste regret. It is the difference between success and failure. It is the difference between the you that tried and the you that didn't try.

Discipline is the answer.

It is the answer to any problem that plagues you. It is the answer to any challenge you face. It is the answer to any obstacle that you need to overcome.

You already know what to do. Discipline will make you do it. 

Discipline is the answer to Fear.